A lot of times I often question my purpose. I can get really low feeling like I’m not exactly where I’m supposed to be in any given moment.
Last Sunday night, for example, was one of those ‘given moments’. I realized I had forgotten about a homework assignment (in a class that I’ve already forgotten multiple homework assignments) and am not educationally performing to the best of my ability. That feeling of failure – the feeling of not being enough that I know all too well– encompassed my being, and my breaking point arrived. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not responsible enough. I’m not enough.
In the midst of my breakdown, I started noticing all of the pictures adorning my walls showing smiling, happy, in-love faces. The girl in those pictures – she’s so happy. She’s enough. She’s educated and she’s successful and she’s everything I want to be.
The thought crossed my mind that I’m sure there are friends on my Facebook page who see that same girl I see in the images hung on the walls that surround my bedroom. They may think I lead this wonderful life; that it’s flower crowns and smiles and sunny days 24/7.
But here’s the thing: I don’t post the gray days. I don’t post the thunderstorms and I don’t post the pain. I let you in on my life through a sepia-toned filter and hope the editing does the trick to fool you- to fool myself.
Looking at me, talking to me on a daily basis, you’d have no idea that there might be this dark, cloudy, sometimes scary and sad side. You see what I want you to see. It leads me to wonder if that is the case for all those around me showing their sunny skies, floral crowns, and smiles. Is it real? Or are they, too, simply using a filter to cover up what’s really going on? Am I the only one who wishes she could truly be that girl in that picture at all times?
Sitting in my bedroom, questioning every aspect of my life, I started talking to God. I asked Him, Why? Why do I feel pain? What’s my purpose? Do you even have anything big planned for me? I’ve heard it before – I know in my heart that there’s something out there for me, but I just never feel like I’m getting there. I just want it now. I want all the answers, and I want them right now! I’m 26, going on 27, I have no idea what’s in store career-wise. I don’t have a degree and I barely scrape by every single paycheck.
And I’ve been fighting the same, stupid depression for the last 12 years of my life that tells me I’ve failed.
In an exhausted whisper through my tears, I asked, “When is this going to end? When I’m I going to be better?”
I figured the best thing for me would be to sleep off whatever pity party I was attending in that moment. As I do each night, I took to my phone to mindlessly scan Instagram and saw a post with a caption that caught my eye. It was a girl talking about her life before Christ, how she was a mess – a disaster – and now, following Christ, at the age of 28, she’s not married, she still struggles with life and it’s hard. There are hard times, but she waits – she simply just waits – because that’s what God has told her to do. And her life has never been better than it is right now.
That kind of faith, that obedience, it baffles me. I wanted to know more, to feel more of whatever sliver of hope I had from seeing her strength in her struggle. I began looking through similar accounts until I ended up on Thryve Magazine‘s Instagram feed.
If you know me, you know I want to be a writer. After stumbling onto their webpage, my first selfish thought was to find out how I could submit some content to them and get paid for it. But as I further explored their page, I learned that it’s a Christian magazine for women and they are currently offering all of their issues for free. It’s what they have been called to do in this season, even though they don’t understand it and don’t know how to make any profit off of the free publications. They simply know, and trust, that this is the obedience God has asked from them and by following His Will, they will be abundantly blessed.
That alone speaks volumes to me. Never would I have clicked on the magazine if I didn’t know it was free. As stated above, I’m a broke 26-year-old. I knew something of importance had to be included in this “Mended” Issue, so I download this publication to see what God had in store.
And in that issue, page after page, again He told me to wait. He told me He’s got me, I just need to be faithful and all will come to light. He’s going to carry me – no matter what – and He will always, always show up right when I need him. He told me that although I’m broken, he will lift me up and mend me back together. He will heal me, he is constantly working to create something so much bigger and better and beautiful and special than I could ever, ever fathom. I simply just need to wait.
You know, sometimes I just don’t want to wait. It’s harder than it should be, and it’s messy, and I don’t know why I have to feel pain… but He’s there. And this is His plan and this is just going to grow me into the woman He wants me to be.
So no. I don’t yet have the answers. I don’t yet know what His purpose over my life is, and I don’t know what he has in store for me. But what I do know is that I have to be obedient to Him. I have to live as fully present as I can, while relying on Him, His Word and His promises. I’m broken, but I trust He will heal me, fully and completely. As stated in a book near and dear to my heart, I must stick close to Him and perform His work well. He will provide everything I need.
I’ll hold on to that promise and rest in the waiting today.